Home Truths
by Sparky75
Summary: Set amongst the tension of series nine. Ruth overhears a conversation on the Grid and suddenly realises how much she and Harry affect the day to day harmony of the team.
1. Chapter 1

I've always felt that the team of series 9 didn't have the same team spirit as earlier teams had and after reading a review on this site (I can't remember who wrote it or for what story it was - apologies) which commented that Harry and Ruth must have been difficult to work with at times (or words to that effect) this popped into my mind. This will be probably two chapters long I think. As ever, thank you to everyone who read my previous stories and particular thanks to those who took time out to review - I look forward (I hope) to reading your thoughts on this.

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"Harry just bit my head off again." Dimitri's voice floated softly through the open doorway.

Ruth stopped suddenly as she approached the tiny kitchen that was secreted away at the back of the Grid. It appeared two of her colleagues had also decided that a cup of tea was the order of the afternoon and were chatting as they waited for the kettle to boil.

"What for this time?"

"My asset failed to turn up at our usual meeting spot and time, I knew I had to get the Lorimer files over to Six by four thirty, so I left a message at our usual dead-drop saying I'd be back at the same time tomorrow."

"What's wrong with that, it's standard protocol. Don't push the red button until they've failed to show three times and even then, it's usually a case of sickness or something equally non threatening."

" I know."

Ruth moved back slightly so she'd be out of sight should either Dimitri or Beth leave the kitchen unexpectedly, she felt slightly guilty listening in on her colleagues venting their frustrations but something held her there, wanting to hear what they were saying.

"So what did you do?"

"What could I do but apologise and get out of there as quickly as possible"

"It's like walking on a minefield with him at times."

"I know. I was over the moon when I first heard that I'd be joining Section D. I'd only ever heard good things about Harry and that he was considered the spies spy, but he's been different to how I expected."

"Has he been like this since you joined?"

"No, the first few weeks were great. I learnt loads from him and Lucas. But the last few weeks he seems constantly on edge and don't get me started on Lucas who seems to be on another planet at the moment."

"I know what you mean, I've hardly seen Lucas over the last couple of days and when he is here his mind seems to be somewhere else completely. As for Harry, he and Ruth were snapping at each other again before, this morning I think. Maybe that's what set him off?"

"What's going on there?"

"Going on where? Harry and Ruth?"

"Yes."

"You know as much as me."

"You live with her."

"Trust me, we hardly have cosy chats over dinner. It's work, work and more work when it comes to Ruth. She's either here, working at home or sleeping... apart from Tuesday nights when she goes to some kind of singing thing."

"She's in a choir."

"That'll be it then."

Ruth huddled further back against the wall. By rights she should be furious, the two newest members of the team discussing her and Harry behind their backs, but something held her back from making her presence known. Harry had been on edge recently and Dimitri wasn't the only one he'd bawled out over some seemingly minor discretion. She knew her rejection at Ros' funeral had affected him badly, but it seemed she'd underestimated quite what the snowball effects of this were doing to the whole team.

"So do you not speak at all at home?"

"We speak about house stuff as in who'll pick up teabags or a pint of milk. To be honest I try and be out as much as possible."

"Sounds like a fun environment."

"Look, I'm probably being too harsh... she's lovely really; it's just that we have very little in common. She seems quite happy at night to sit over her work with a glass of wine while I go out. The only person she seems to chat to on the phone is Harry and despite only hearing half the conversation, they're painful to listen too."

"Tariq mentioned when I first joined that there was something between them, apparently they go back years."

"Yes well, I wish they'd sort out what this something is. When Harry first interviewed me several years ago I was gutted that they didn't let me join up. He had so much passion for what he was doing and so much conviction that the work MI-5 did was right. That all seems to have been lost."

"I did hear on the grapevine that he'd handed his notice in to the Home Secretary a couple of months ago."

"No! Who on earth did you hear that from? The Harry Pearce I thought he was, would have to be lifted kicking and screaming from his office."

"One of the secretaries overheard Tower's talking to Richard Dolby and mentioned it to me a couple of weeks ago,"

"She just told you that... out of the blue."

"Well we may have been having a drink at the time. I find it quite helpful to keep on good terms with several people within the Home Office, you never know what you might learn or when you might need their help."

"Good terms? Is that what they're calling it nowadays. Dimitri Levendis, I didn't know you had it in you."

Ruth moved back towards her desk still clutching her empty mug in her hands as she heard a peel of laughter coming from Beth in the kitchen. The tea she had initially gone in for, was now the last thing on her mind and she wandered back to her seat in a daze. She wanted to be angry with Dimitri and Beth for what they'd said about Harry and for what they'd said about her, but she couldn't summon up the strength. Yes, they shouldn't have been talking so frankly to each other, especially in the kitchen where they could easily be overheard, but what they were saying had hit several nerves and Ruth knew, contained more than a few kernels of truth."

"Ruth...Ruth, are you Ok?" Ruth looked up tiredly, the conversation she'd overheard was running round her brain and she had been completely distracted. She smiled over at the youngest member of the team.

"I'm fine Tariq, I just didn't get much sleep last night and obviously haven't had enough caffeine today."

"You shouldn't work so hard." Tariq grinned at her, "How about I go and make you a brew and then when I come back we can go over the East London files together. Four eyes are better than two and while my searches are running in the background there's not much else I can do."

"That would be great," Ruth nodded her thanks at Tariq as he headed off towards the kitchenette passing Dimitri and Beth on the way back to their respective desks, each holding a mug of steaming tea. She ducked her head down to avoid any conversation before looking over to Harry's office. He was sat in the same position he'd been in for the last couple of hours, head down pouring over numerous files and only occasionally moving to sign something off, take a phone call and then moving onto another file. She smiled softly to herself, his hair which was slightly longer than he usually wore it, was mussed up at the front from where he'd obviously been running his fingers through it... either in frustration at his work, or maybe his frustration at her.

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Harry looked up in surprise as his door slid open without the pre-emptive knock meaning that it could only be one person. He sighed to himself as he rubbed his hands down his face. He'd had a hell of a day, starting with a heated discussion with Ruth who'd once again taken it upon herself to talk directly to the Home Secretary's office, followed by a another terse discussion with the Home Secretary, Lucas going AWOL for much of the afternoon and then to top it off, he'd had the DG hassling him constantly via phone, text and email about that asset of Dimitri's who'd suddenly gone from being a Grade 5 asset to a Grade 1 asset following the detention of two Lithuanian's in Tottenham last night by Section G. He knew he'd probably overreacted when Dimitri had passed on the news that he hadn't met his asset, but it had been the straw that had broken the camels back... and now it looked like Ruth was here for round two.

"Harry, do you have a moment?"

"One day you'll learn that that thing at the end of your arm can be curled up and when it's brought into contact with a surface it makes a sound... some people call it knocking."

"What?" Ruth looked momentarily confused before his words sank in. "Oh, yes, sorry. I'll try and remember."

"Never mind, what do you want?"

"We need to talk Harry."

Harry looked up in surprise, "I thought we had talked Ruth," he pursed his lips, "I thought we'd said everything that we needed to say... at least you did."

"That's not fair."

"Well sometimes life isn't"

Ruth looked up to the ceiling in frustration, they couldn't seem to spend a minute together at the moment before they started to snipe at each other. Beth and Dimitri's comments were making more sense by the minute. "And this is exactly why we need to talk."

"Well spit it out then, what are we talking about?" Harry knew he was acting unreasonably but all he wanted to do was finish his pile of paperwork and then go home to get his thoughts into order and sample that new bottle of single malt he'd bought a couple of days ago.

"Not here." Ruth looked out of his windows, even though it was seven o'clock there were still a number of people wandering around the Grid and Harry's office was like a fishbowl. This conversation needed to take place somewhere public, if only to stop them tearing lumps out of each other verbally but not this public. "When will you be finished?" she nodded down to the pile of files strewn on his desk.

"An hour or so I think barring any emergencies," he looked down tiredly. "Well if not here then where?

"The Cricketers at quarter past eight?"

He nodded his agreement, I'll see you there then? Unless you're staying here for a while longer?"

Ruth looked up, "I think I'll go for a wander down the Embankment first. I've been cooped up in here all day and I could do with some fresh air."

"Fine, I'll see you in an hour or so, I call you if anything changes." Ruth nodded at him with a brief tight smile as she left his office. He watched her collect her coat and bag before heading over to the pods leaving him to mull over exactly what she wanted to talk about.

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

Well I expected this to be a two-parter but their conversation rather ran away from me, so they'll be at least one more chapter following this. My aim has been to keep them in character as much as possible, but being as they're both so terribly British I'm not sure they'd have ever have had a conversation like this... though I'm sure it would have helped them both if they had. Thanks for all the kind reviews for the first chapter and I'd love to know if their conversation lives (or doesn't) up to readers expectations.

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Harry pushed open the door to the pub, he was 10 minutes late and he half hoped Ruth would have given up on waiting for him and gone home. No such luck, he spotted her sat at a table, reading something on her phone, tucked away in the corner of the pub where it was less likely that they'd be overheard. He wandered over to her shrugging off his heavy overcoat as he did so. "Sorry I'm late, Towers collared me on the phone just as I was leaving."

Ruth gave a half smile as she looked up at him before indicating to the seat opposite her. "Anything important?"

"Nothing that couldn't have waited until tomorrow."

"Isn't that usually the case."

Harry smiled and sat down after hanging his coat over a spare chair. He loosened his tie and opened the top couple of buttons before starting to speak; "Nine times out of ten, Now I'm here, what do you want to talk about and why have you dragged me here rather than us having this discussion in the office."

"Because your office is your space and..." she looked down at the table before looking up again defiantly, "this isn't about work, well it is and it isn't," she sighed, "I just thought it'd be easier to have this conversation on neutral territory without half the team looking in at us."

"Ok, I think I'll need fortification for this conversation in that case, can I get you a drink?"

"Harry, I asked you here, I've already ordered." Ruth smiled wryly as the barman finally headed their way, "I thought wine might be more appropriate than whisky, at least at first."

"Bottle of merlot and two glasses." The barman smiled as he put them on the table between them. "The food will be along shortly."

"Food?" Harry raised his eyebrows as the barman disappeared.

"I was hungry and I presumed you would be too? It's been a long day," Ruth looked at him, "sorry, I shouldn't have been presumptuous, did you already have plans for the evening? I did rather land this on you."

"It used to be me being presumptuous," Harry said softly, "not that it ever got me very far."

"Harry..."

"Sorry, and no I didn't have any other plans... well other than going home and watching some mindless television."

"It's just some sandwiches and chips." Ruth smiled at him as she poured them both a glass of wine. "I never took you for the mindless TV sort of person?"

"I'm not, well not usually." he looked down at the table quietly, "it helps take my mind off stuff sometimes, it means I can shut off for 10 minutes and not think."

"I know that feeling."

"Well I'm sure David Attenborough will be happy enough for me to wait 24 hours before watching... Anyway my evening plans aren't why we're here tonight."

Ruth sighed, she'd hoped to at least get some food down them both first, things were tetchy enough between them without hunger pangs making things worse. "I overheard something on the Grid today," she looked up, "before I tell you, I want you to promise that this stays between us. You don't say anything to the people involved and there are no repercussions on them following what I tell you."

"Ruth, as long as you can promise me that whoever it was isn't involved in anything illegal or has no imminent plans to follow Guy Fawkes and try to blow up parliament then I promise I'll keep calm." Harry raised his eyebrows, "I'm presuming since we're having this conversation here, that there's no immediate threat to the country from you overhearing this conversation so..."

"I went to get a cup of tea late this afternoon and I overheard Beth and Dimitri in the kitchen," she picked up her glass of wine and took a mouthful, "they were talking about you and me."

"What about us?" Harry sighed and took a drink himself, "I think I once mentioned to you Ruth, that while the thought of people talking or laughing at me behind my back isn't very nice, it also isn't going to give me sleepless nights."

Ruth looked up in shock, did he really remember every personal conversation they'd ever had?... Though why wouldn't he, she obviously did and for all their differences over the years, she guessed that he clung to the same shared memories as much as she did.

He looked over at her and took in the expression on her face, "What now Ruth, am I not even allowed to remember? I'm supposed to have erased any memories of you before you went away?" His frustration was started to show in his voice and he took another drink to try and mask it. "I can't seem to do right for doing wrong when it comes to you, well spit out what you've brought me here for and I promise I'll listen and then we can both go back to our separate lives."

"That's not what I meant."

"Well that's what it feels like. Have you forgotten that, or are you so used to trampling over other peoples feelings that you don't even notice anymore?"

"That's hardly fair Harry." She was reeling, she knew Harry had been hurt and upset by her words both at the funeral and later that night, but he'd obviously been stewing on this for a while and the anger in his voice wasn't something she'd ever thought she'd hear directed at her, well not from him anyway.

He blew out a big breath, "No I suppose it isn't."

"Here we are, a range of sandwiches and a portion of chips to share." They both looked up in surprise, so caught up in their heated exchange that they hadn't noticed the waiter approaching laden down with plates of food. "Can I get you anything else, any sauces, any more drinks?"

"We're fine thanks," Harry indicated to the half full bottle of wine that sat between them on the table."

"Ok, well enjoy." The waiter wandered off quickly, it sounded like a domestic and a half they were having, the tension around the table was coming off in waves. Fortunately it was a quietish Tuesday evening and the pub was pretty empty so it was hardly likely that they'd put too many people off.

They picked at their food as they each slipped back into their own thoughts momentarily. "So what were they saying about us?" Harry spoke quietly before he took a large bite of his sandwich, at least she hadn't forgotten his predilection for BLT's he thought wryly.

"What, oh, they were just chatting away and then Dimitri mentioned that you'd bitten his head off for failing to meet with an asset today."

"You've brought me here to tell me that? Am I not allowed to discipline my officers now." Harry gave a short bark of laughter, "what should I have done, patted him on the head and told him to do better next time. It was a crucial meeting Ruth, granted he didn't know exactly how important it was, but the information that asset may have given us, is instrumental to Section G and a large Eastern European people trafficking operation they're working on." He lowered his voice before glancing round to make sure once again that no one could overhear them. "That asset could be the lynchpin behind breaking the whole operation, even he doesn't know how big this is and how important the information he has is."

"And presumably then, neither did Dimitri." Ruth said slowly. "Anyway it wasn't about that, I think Dimitri is more than capable of taking a slap on the wrist without moaning about it."

"Well what was it then."

"It was about us," Ruth looked across at him, "well not just us, Lucas was mentioned as well."

"What about us?"

"The way we act on the Grid towards each other, and you know what Harry, they're right."

"What do you mean?"

"Taking Lucas out of the equation, we've spent much of the last couple of months sniping at each other and taking pot shots. We're so intent on doing that that we forgot how much it impacts everyone else and changes the entire dynamic of the Grid."

Harry sat back and took a large mouthful of wine. "Such as?"

"Harry, there's multiple occasions if you cast your mind back," Ruth took a drink as well before continuing, "The Westhouse case, the arguments we had about the Paroxocybin, Towers asking me for help, the iss..."

"Yes, yes, I get your point." Harry sighed.

"I'm not sure you do." Ruth replied gently, "this is the most inexperienced 'core' team we've ever had on the Grid. Tariq's straight out of University and as brilliant as he is at his job, he doesn't have the maturity that Malcolm had. Dimitri has come straight here from the SBS and although he has great promise, his first operation was only a couple of months ago and Beth has even less experience."

"Beth's been doing this for years and the SBS is hardly a playground Ruth."

"I know, but Beth's been working in the private sector which operates in a completely different way and the SBS is hardly comparable, otherwise MI-5 would be overrun by ex-forces."

"I'm ex-forces."

"I know you are, but remember when you first joined. What happened then, who looked after you?"

Harry smiled, "My Section Leader was a guy called Iain Lewis and the Section Head at that time was Sir Michael McFarland, not that we had much to do with him. But Iain was a good bloke, I learnt a lot from him..."

"Exactly, and who's everyone learning from and getting their leadership from now? Their Section Head and Senior Intelligence Analyst are so hung upon getting the job done at all costs and trying to avoid any... any... awkwardness, that they're either bickering or not working as part of the team and their Section Leader is absent more than he's there; and to be quite frank, even when he is there , his head isn't."

"You do realise that this is one of the more awkward conversations we've ever had Ruth?" Harry looked amused for a moment before pursing his lips, "and yes, between you and me... Lucas is a worry to me too. He was gone most of the afternoon and when I finally reached him he said he'd had an issue with the car and was outside any mobile coverage... and to be blunt, I didn't believe a word he told me." He took another sip of wine, draining his glass in the process. "So what do you suggest I do?"

"About what? About the way we're acting or Lucas?"

"Lets start with the smaller problem before we move onto us," Harry smiled sadly, "we might have a chance at actually resolving the issues with Lucas."

"Harry..." Ruth looked over at him as if weighing something up in her mind. "You know what, you're right."

"Well that'll be the first time in what feels like a long time." He poured them both another glass of wine, "so what are your thoughts on Lucas?"

"We talk about Lucas, but then we're going to clear the air between us." Ruth looked at him firmly, "we can't carry on like this Harry. It's hurting us both too much and it's affecting everyone else in the team, the atmosphere on the Grid is awful at times and that's largely down to you and me."

"Hurting us both!" Harry hissed across the table, "from where I'm sitting it only looks like one of is hurting, the other one doesn't seem to give a damn."

"Oh... that's not fair Harry."

"That's at least the third time you've said that to me today Ruth, well guess what, fairness isn't my biggest priority right now."

"You know damn well I care as well, this isn't just about you!"

"Really? How?" Harry steepled his fingers on the table in front of him and rested the bridge of his nose on them trying to collect himself before sitting back up and facing her. "How do you care?"

"I... I"

"See you can't put it into words, I offer you everything I have, my heart, my life and you just threw it back into my face."

"Harry, you asked me to marry you at a bloody funeral, at Ros's bloody funeral, what the hell did you expect me to say, it doesn't mean I don't care?" Ruth took care to make sure her voice kept low but the frustration in her voice was evident.

"My timing may have been a bit off, but I didn't expect it to be flung back in my face with the added proviso that the idea of living with me would be hellish and to be reminded of the thousands of bloody times you'd have said yes previously, except when I had asked you previously, to dinner rather than to marry me, you spooked at the first sign, more concerned about what everyone else may think of us rather than how we actually felt about each other."

"And I was wrong then, you knew I regretted that when I left and as for the other stuff you're just twisting everything I said."

"What, we can't be more together than we are now... we're bloody colleagues Ruth at the moment and I wanted a hell of a lot more, so you can't be surprised that I was a little miffed when you said that that was as close as we're ever going to be."

"I didn't mean it like that, but you never gave me chance to explain, you just started pushing me away."

"And what did you expect me to do or say? That's fine Ruth, you don't want to marry me but hey, let's be as close as we were before?"

"Yes, No, I don't know." Ruth looked up, the fight slowly going out of her, "The proposal, it was so out of the blue and so sudden. I knew you were desperately upset over Ros and this just seemed like a reaction to it all, something you'd look back on and regret asking in the morning."

Harry sat back in his chair and rubbed his hands over his face, how the hell had they got to this, they were supposed to be talking about Lucas before getting into all of this. "It might have been sudden Ruth and it might have been out of the blue, but the meaning behind it was genuine." He spoke softly, sadly, as he poured the remainder of the bottle of wine between them. "I never would have regretted asking you, my only regret is the timing and how I phrased it." He stood up sharply pushing the chair behind him away. "I'm going to nip to the loo, is it worth me getting another bottle or have you said all you wanted to say?"

"I don't think we've even started," Ruth smiled sadly.

Harry nodded before picking up their plates, "I'd rather we weren't disturbed by some well meaning waiter. I'll be back shortly."

Ruth sat in her chair watching his back disappearing towards the bar as she finished off the last of her wine. She and Harry had never spoken like his before... actually, she'd never spoken like this with anyone before. Their entire conversation, or was it an argument had taken place in muted undertones and as all the hurt and anger that they were both feeling poured out of them, she only hoped that there was something left between them to grasp onto when they'd finished.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Home Truths Chapter Three

Part two of the never-ending conversation, I had thought I'd be able to finish in 3 chapters but it turns out that this isn't the case. Harry and Ruth have far more to say to each other than I ever thought possible. It also has a more than slight focus on Lucas but I do intend to get to all the other issues in the next chapter. Thanks to everyone who has read this and particular thanks to all who have taken a minute out of their day to review, it is much appreciated.

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It was 15 minutes later by the time Harry made it back to their table complete with another bottle of wine. "I thought you'd skedaddled," Ruth said with a quirk of her mouth, "decided to make a swift exit stage left."

"I thought about it briefly," Harry answered ruefully, "I needed some fresh air so I stepped outside for a moment, I didn't realise quite how long I'd been out there."

"The thought of talking to me is that bad is it?"

He was unsure how how to take that question, never mind how to answer it, but decided honesty was the best policy. "Never that bad Ruth, frequently painful, but never that bad." He sat down and poured them both another glass of wine.

"So Lucas..."

"We're back to that are we?"

"Well, unless you'd rather talk about our issues first?"

Harry sighed deeply, "I've a feeling that that particular conversation is going to be even less enjoyable than this one. He took a large mouthful of wine, "so Lucas it is then, what are your concerns?"

"I don't really know... or rather I'm struggling to pinpoint any specific issues. It's more multiple things that taken as single events don't really add up to much, but when they're all put together seem too... oh I don't know." Ruth took a sip of her wine, she'd have to be careful, it wasn't often that she had more than a couple of glasses at a time. "It's just that since Ros died, he doesn't seem to be himself at all."

He leant forward on the table, as much as he an Ruth were struggling in a number of areas, one thing he didn't have doubts on was her professional judgement. He might not agree with it all the time, but he knew that she wouldn't be saying anything about Lucas lightly. "You mentioned a number of single incidents, can you give me some examples?"

Ruth cast her mind back, she was relieved that he was taking her seriously on this; because of the residual guilt she believed he still felt about Lucas's time in Russia, she hadn't been convinced that he wouldn't just dismiss her concerns out of hand. "It's more small things," she said, "he said he was on the tube the other day when the actual line he was on was closed for maintenance and..."

"Maybe he made a mistake?"

"Maybe, but he also wasn't answering his phone on Tuesday afternoon and went completely off comms on Friday without any explanation."

"These things happen Ruth, we both know that."

Ruth gritted her teeth and took another mouthful of wine before answering. "You asked me why I had doubts, so can you at least listen to me."

"I am," Harry spoke quietly but firmly, "I wouldn't be doing my job though Ruth if I just accepted what you told me at face value."

Ruth looked slightly abashed and nodded her head slightly in acceptance at what he was saying. "Sorry, it's just..."

"Go on..."

"There's other things as well. I don't know if you heard about that young guy the other day who was arrested for fraud and theft?"

"Yes, of course, Stephen Owen wasn't it. He showed great promise from my understanding. A bit of a prodigy, graduated from University in his mid-teens."

"Yes, that's him."

"What's Lucas got to do with him?" Harry looked genuinely puzzled with the direction Ruth was taking.

"I don't know for sure that he has," Ruth leant forward on the table, taking her glass and turning it around by the stem, "and I certainly have no proof. But I've got to know Stephen a little in the couple of years I've been back and he didn't strike me as the type to be involved in anything untoward at all."

"You can never tell what's going on with people behind closed doors or in their heads." Harry said softly, "you know that Ruth."

"Yes, yes I know. It's just the day Stephen was caught, I bumped into him and Lucas in the corridor on the way down to the registry."

"What was Lucas doing down there? We have Administrator's to get files for the field agents to save them going down there."

Ruth smiled wryly, "I thought it was so that they wouldn't mess things up down there!" She took a quick look at Harry's face and continued, it probably wasn't the right time to start getting into a discussion about the poor administration skills of the majority of field officers. "That was my first thought, but it wasn't so much that he was down there, more the way he was acting."

"Acting?"

"Yes, he looked guilty." Ruth took another mouthful of wine, "I didn't think too much of it initially though it did strike me as slightly strange, and then when I heard that Stephen had been caught, I told Lucas and he acted very peculiarly."

"In what way?"

"He wouldn't meet my eye, he looked very shifty and he couldn't wait to escape from the Grid. I know it's not any kind of proof that he was involved, it just made me start to ask questions."

Harry sighed, "I do know where you're coming from, I spent much of the afternoon trying to get hold of him and he'd vanished into thin air and couldn't offer any plausible reason on his return." Harry poured himself another glass before topping up Ruth's glass. "In a way I've been trying to avoid it."

Ruth smiled softly, she knew of the deep guilt Harry still carried round with him from Lucas's lengthy incarceration in a Russian cell... despite it not being his fault; this knowledge had been gleaned from a lengthy conversation in his office late one night after everyone had left, him drinking whisky and she drinking tea laced with whisky, though that had been before Ros had died, before everything on the Grid seemed to have swung on its axis. "So what do we do?"

"To be quite honest... I don't know. He asked me to raise his access level the other week to the same one Ros and Adam had, which I did, but I'm now starting to regret it." He looked up at Ruth, "what were Dimitri and Beth saying about him?"

"Sorry, what?"

"The conversation you overheard in the kitchen earlier, the reason I'm in here drinking more wine than I probably should, rather than sitting at home drinking whisky." Harry smiled sadly.

"Oh, that... they were just commenting that they were getting no leadership from him and that he seemed to be absent in spirit, if not in body a lot of the time."

Harry nodded, "I overheard him telling Dimitri the other day to go and get a skinful the other day after a pretty difficult day."

Ruth looked puzzled, "well that would hardly be the first time someone's had a bad day and gone to the pub to drown their sorrows."

"I know, but the Lucas I've known over the past couple of years would have taken Dimitri to the pub and had a skinful with him, probably dragging Beth and the rest of the team down with them as well. That's what's missing."

"Do you think..." she tailed off, not sure that the question she had in her mind should be asked.

"Do I think what Ruth?"

"Do you think Ros dying tipped him over the edge in some way?" Ruth took a large mouthful of her wine for dutch courage, "I mean look at the way her death affected you and they did work very closely together."

Harry closed his eyes and rested his forehead on his hands taking some time to compose himself; her words had hit home and hurt more than they probably should, but not for the reasons she probably thought. He tried to measure his words and spoke slowly and softly, "Ros dying like she did was difficult for us all... and yes Lucas and I were probably the people closest too her on the Grid," he looked up at her with sad eyes, "I think you overestimate the impact of Ros' death on me though Ruth. I can't speak for Lucas on this, but you seem to believe that every decision I've made since her death... particularly in relation to us, seems to be some kneejerk reaction to her dying."

Instinctively Ruth leaned over the table and took hold of both of his hands with hers holding them until he looked at her in the eye "Harry, most of your actions have been, you have to see that."

Harry pulled his hands abruptly away from her and took another large gulp of wine. "Why, why do I have to see that? Yes I was devastated when Ros was killed, we'd worked very closely together the last few years and I had come to trust her judgement very much." Ruth open her mouth to speak but was stopped by the look on Harry's face as he continued to speak. "But I was equally, if not more affected by Adam's death... and that's not even taking into account all the others who have lost their lives far too early serving their country... Zaf, Jo, Helen, Colin. All these and more have taken their toll Ruth."

Ruth looked over and saw a slight sheen of tears in his eyes which he quickly blinked away. "I do know Harry... but you have to admit that you choosing to retire, proposing to me were purely a reaction to Ros dying."

He looked at her with a slightly puzzled look, "why do you think that?"

Ruth went to take another sip of her wine before realising that not only had she finished her glass, they'd also gone through another bottle of wine...her head and stomach wouldn't be thanking her for this in the morning but the alcohol was at least making them be honest with each other. "Because they both came out of nowhere."

"Is that what you really think?" Harry felt his voice raising slightly and tempered it as he glanced round the pub quickly to make sure there was no one within hearing distance. "You think I'd make two decisions like that, two decisions which would have changed the rest of my life, on a whim!"

"What else was I meant to think." Ruth hissed back at him, "You start talking about marriage out of the blue and basically said that you wanted it so that we both had more than six people at our funerals and then after that, you follow up a couple of days later by telling me you're planning on resigning, what was I supposed to think."

"I thought you knew me better than that. Harry slumped back in his seat defeated.

"Another bottle of wine, sir, madam?" The barman from earlier had caught sight of their empty glasses and wandered over... or rather his boss had caught sight of the empty bottle and had ordered him over, despite his protests that he really didn't think the couple that had been locked in one of the most intense conversations he'd ever witnessed would appreciate the interruption.

Harry glanced at his watch, it was just coming up to half past ten and though he knew more wine probably wasn't a good idea, it was also helping. "Ruth?" he questioned.

"Please," she smiled up at the barman, "could we also get some water?"

"No problem, the same again?" the barman asked. Harry looked over at Ruth and she nodded. Red wine usually sent her to sleep, but strangely, although she'd drunk around three quarters of a bottle she didn't feel drunk... Harry on the other hand was harder to read, he'd definitely had the lions share of the last bottle but then his body was a lot more used to hard liquor than hers.

"I'll bring it right over." The barman looked like he couldn't wait to make his escape and Ruth didn't blame him; she wondered briefly what sort of picture they made to outsiders, a middle aged couple, no strike the couple, a man and a woman who'd spent most of the last couple of hours talking and who had hardly broken a smile the entire time. It was something she had done a lot of when travelling through Europe in the initial aftermath of her dash from London; missing Harry and her friends from the Grid desperately and despairing at life's unfairness, she'd spend hours sitting in cafes or parks or libraries, watching people and making up stories in her head about their lives. She presumed it was the ingrained spy in her and it was a chance to deflect her loneliness as she made up lives for other people. She surmised that the staff at The Cricketers probably thought they were a couple having a heated domestic over something trivial or maybe not so trivial... or maybe a it was a married man meeting his mistress, or a blind date from hell... whatever it was, she doubted they were even coming close to correctly describing the relationship and history between her and Harry.

"Ruth... Ruth,"

She shook herself softly, "Sorry, what?"

"Penny for them?"

"Sorry?"

"Your thoughts," Harry looked ruefully at her, "you looked like you were a million miles away then for a moment."

"I was in a way." Ruth replied enigmatically.

"Care to enlighten me?"

"It was nothing really." She looked up at him as she waited for the barman to bring the wine over. He looked exhausted, but if she thought back he'd been looking constantly tired for a while now.

Harry cleared his throat and looked as if was going to question her further on her hidden thoughts, but suddenly the light in his eyes diminished a little as if he was scared of the answer he might get. He returned to safer ground and to something they both agreed on, "Back to our earlier subject, Lucas, what do you propose we do?"

Ruth looked slightly surprised, she'd expected him to want an answer or to at least return to their earlier topic of conversation... focusing on them rather than issues on the Grid. "I don't know really... I did think we, sorry you could maybe start... oh I don't know."

"Maybe start what?" Harry asked gently.

"Start monitoring him; I know it's a huge step and we have no real proof, but unless we start doing something then who knows what could happen." Ruth spoke quickly and determinedly, sure that Harry would immediately knock back any idea of electronic surveillance on his Section Chief.

He pursed his lips and rubbed his hands tiredly over his face. "It pains me to say this but I agree with you." He looked over at her, "whatever we agree here though Ruth goes no further. I don't want anyone, whether it be Beth or Dimitri or the bloody Home Secretary himself to know about this. Is that understood?"

Ruth nodded mutely, she didn't think Harry would have acquiesced to her suggestion quite so readily, so whatever parameters he put on it she was willing to abide by. "So how are we going to do this? I take it you won't want to involve Tariq and while I could do some of the basic tracking I'm nowhere near capable of undertaking the technical surveillance he'd be capable of... or the type we'll need."

Harry smiled enigmatically, "we won't need to bother Tariq, I have someone I can turn to in matters such as this." At Ruth's puzzled glance across at him, he elaborated further, "I've called on his expertise on the quiet a couple of times over the last couple of years since his retirement and he's been more than willing to help... as long as he doesn't get drawn back into the rigmarole of MI-5."

"Malcolm?"

"Yes, I'll give him a call tomorrow morning, ask him if he's going to his book club Thursday."

"Book club?"

"It's our way of setting up a meeting. If he's agreeable in doing this for me, then I'll get him to come onto the Grid late one night and set everything up."

"Do you think he will agree?"

"I hope so, he's always had a soft spot for Lucas ever since he started and he was delighted to see him return from Russia. He always said that in the early days Lucas was one of only a few Field Agents who fully respected what he did and the role he played, others tended to look down on him slightly and would mock his 'technical wizardry' as being a bit too James Bond and Q like." Harry looked down at his empty glass, "I'm only agreeing to this because I want to help him, if he is in some sort of trouble I want to be able to talk to him and resolve any issues... I don't want another Connie James or Yalta like issue on my hands."

Ruth nodded and instinctively went to take his hand again before pulling it away quickly, not knowing whether he'd welcome her attempts to offer him some comfort. "Understood, it'll be nice to see Malcolm again, I've meant to catch up with him but time has just slipped away."

"You don't need to be there Ruth,"

"I'd like to be though," Ruth looked at him tentatively, "If that's ok with you?"

"Of course, it's your call... I understand it'd be nice for you to catch up with an old friend. I know you and Malcolm were always close before you..." Harry paused and wished desperately that the bloody barman would hurry up with their wine; the time he was taking you'd think he was picking the grapes himself. If there was ever a time he needed a drink it was now. "Well before you left."

"That's not the only reason I'd like to be there," Ruth looked over and this time did pluck up the courage to take hold of his hand gently, "I'd like to be there to support you in this as well. I know making this decision has been difficult and... well I'd like to be there for you." She looked up and smiled at him, "if you'll let me be there for you that is?"

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Here we go, another instalment of this very long conversation, I hope it's not too waffley and my explanations make sense - I wanted to try and understand a little why Ruth's personality was like it was in s9. Definitely more Harry and Ruth this time, plus the biggest issue/problem that I felt they had to overcome. Thanks you to all the kind people who took a moment out to review previous chapters, your thoughts and words are much appreciated. This chapter follows on straight from the last one.

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"I'm sorry... If I let you?" Harry looked up, the puzzlement in his eyes clear to see.

"Yes, I'd like to be there for you..." Ruth smiled, "plus it would be nice to see Malcolm again and this is as good a reason as any," she added jovially, trying but failing to bring a warm smile to his face.

Harry sat back up straight, his hands still loosely entwined with hers and looked her straight in the eye. "Ruth," he spoke to her quietly but firmly with an edge of coolness to his tone, "what the hell do you want from me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I've just said. When it comes to you and me I have absolutely no idea what you want, what you feel or where your head is at." He took a deep breath before continuing. "and what's even worse, is that I don't think you could answer any of those questions either."

Ruth opened her mouth to answer, before quickly closing it again when she realised that she really didn't know what to say to him.

"Your wine..." she was saved from answering by the barman arriving with a fresh bottle and a couple of clean glasses.

"I'm just going to nip to the..." she indicated behind her before grabbing her bag and quickly walking to the toilets. She needed a moment or two alone to clear her head and put her thoughts into some kind of order.

Harry looked resigned to being left grasping for answers once again as Ruth virtually ran from the table, the interruption of the barman providing her with the perfect exit point. "Sorry mate, I wasn't interrupting anything was I?" The barman asked Harry with a small shrug of the shoulders.

Harry passed his hands over his eyes, "No... she'd have found an excuse to run with or without you bringing the drinks over."

"Like that is it?"

Harry smiled briefly, "you have no idea."

"Women hey! Can't live with em, can't live without them!." With that the barman picked up the empty bottles and glasses and wandered off before turning round to Harry and saying "Good luck." with a big cheery smile.

He clearly thought they were a couple in the middle of some sort of crisis, Harry thought sourly pouring himself another large glass of wine and taking a large mouthful. He took a quick look at his watch wondering how much longer Ruth would be. If it wasn't for the fact that her coat was still slung over the back of the chair, he wouldn't have put it past her to disappear without telling him... though maybe he was being too harsh on her, she was the one who had instigated the conversation and they had both known it wouldn't be an easy topic of conversation.

As if she had been reading his mind, she slipped back into the seat across from him and indicated towards her empty glass. "Do I get some of that too?" she asked with a warm smile.

"Of course." he replied, pouring her a generous glass before topping up his own. He knew he was drinking too much, but it was the only way he felt he'd get through the conversation. "It was my turn to think that you might have decided to leave early."

"What?" Ruth looked at him puzzled before taking a sip of her wine. "Oh... Yes sorry about the quick exit. I just needed a moment and plus I really did need too... well you know."

Harry smiled briefly and nodded. "So where were we?"

Ruth smiled at him ruefully, "where we always are when we come to us I think." At Harry's perplexed look she continued softly, "talking at cross-purposes."

Harry took a moment to collect his thoughts before replying. "And that's what I mean Ruth. You never say exactly what you mean, it's as if you have to talk to me in riddles and platitudes rather than ever telling me what you really mean or feel. I'm a man Ruth, sometimes I just need things spelt out in plain English rather than having to try and read your thoughts and feelings through the nonsensical sentences you spit out."

"Nonsensical?"

"To me... Yes."

"Like what?"

"There's a number of them, but the ones that sticks out in my mind are in the conversation we had on the rooftop of Thames House." Harry looked up at her, "don't you remember what you told me?"

""Yes... of course," Ruth took a sip of her wine, "I don't really understand what you're meaning though?"

Harry looked at her, astonishment written across his face. "You don't understand what I mean? Ruth I asked you to marry me, you said no, so far all relatively clear... if not the answer I was hoping for. The next moment you've moved us to Sussex, are worrying about the bloody neighbours in this new life of ours and then telling me you think we have more or less the perfect relationship as it is, as we can talk openly about what we do on the Grid." Harry took another large mouthful of wine, "If I'm being perfectly frank with you, it's as clear as mud to me."

"I'm sorry... I never thought..."

"All you had to tell me Ruth was that you don't love me and I'd have backed away..." This time it was Harry leaning across the table and taking her hand, "but I don't believe that to be true."

"I... I" Ruth looked down at the table struggling with what she was thinking, never mind what she wanted to say.

He continued softly. "If I genuinely thought you didn't love me I'd have let you be a long time ago. I may have awful timing and a habit of saying and doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, but I think I'm still quite good at reading people or at least being able to tell if they love me or not." Taking a deep breath he carried on, "If I am wrong Ruth then please tell me. It would hurt but at least I'd understand." He pushed on squeezing her hand tightly as if willing her to sense his despair, "Just tell me you don't love me and I'll walk away now..."

Visibly struggling to get her emotions under control, she took a moment to answer him before shaking her head at him. "I can't."

"You can't what?"

"I can't tell you that I don't love you." Ruth looked at him, "but you knew that anyway."

"I thought, I hoped..." Harry leaned in closer to her, "so why Ruth? I know this is difficult and painful, but I need to understand."

"I don't know if I understand myself." Ruth said softly, "you were right earlier when you said that I didn't even know in many ways what was going on in my own mind."

"Please Ruth," Harry looked at her in the eye willing her to see the need he had to understand at least what she was feeling. This was as close as he'd come to breaking down Ruth's walls and he felt that if they didn't make headway now, then he wouldn't get a second chance.

Ruth took another sip of wine trying to get her thoughts in order, she owed him this much at least. "So much has changed over the years for both of us," she began hesitantly, "and yet when I came back to London, in some ways it was if things had stayed the same..." she smiled wanly at him, "my whole life had been uprooted for the second time in three years and yet there we were again, playing the same silly games with each other that we were doing before I left."

"Things had changed Ruth, for both of us... though a lot more for you than me." Harry rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand, "I know that things were... difficult, when you first got back, but I really believed we were getting back to where we were... playing the same silly games as you put it and I thought we had a chance to pick up where we had left off, so to speak."

"We were." Ruth looked at him, a sheen of tears still in her eyes, "And we shouldn't have been, it was wrong."

"But why was it so wrong? Is this about George?"

"In a way yes," Ruth took a big gulp of the water the barman had brought them earlier, "but it's more about me, about what I've done. When I left London I felt like I was leaving everything behind... which I was really."

"And?" he asked softly.

"And I carried with me huge regrets... mainly about you. Regret that I hadn't been brave enough to face up to the gossip, regret that I hadn't been more honest with you about my feelings," she smiled softly glancing her eyes down at the table shyly, "I mentioned Sussex to you, because that was where I used to imagine we'd live in my little fantasises before I left," she took a sip of wine. "But my biggest regret was not letting you tell me that you love me. I realised while I was making my way around Europe that I needed to have heard that from you, not left as something never said."

Harry looked shell-shocked at her words, it was like witnessing the thawing of a glacier and he could feel the relief wash over him as he realised that she had felt about him, the same way he'd felt about her. He was also keen for her to keep going; feeling that the balance of any possible future relationship or future between them rested on the outcome of tonight. "So what did you do... when you first left?" This was the first time she had mentioned her initial few days in exile and he was curious as to what she'd done and where she'd gone.

"I wandered around Europe for a nearly a year, I stayed in Copenhagen for nearly 6 months working in an office there, but when winter started to draw in, I decided to head South. I also decided it was time for a clean start and to try and put all my regrets behind me."

"So you went to Cyprus?"

"Eventually, I wandered through Southern Europe taking my time, picking up temp jobs along the way and then after another six months or so I ended up in Cyprus. It was warm, the people were friendly and I managed to pick up another temping job quickly at the small hospital in Polis."

"Where you met George and decided to stay." Harry surmised quickly, hurt and jealousy quickly flickering across his face.

"Yes, but not in the way you probably think." Ruth took another sip of wine before continuing, "I did love George, he was a kind and generous man and we got on well together but..."

"But what?"

Ruth looked down at her feet, she felt incredibly uncomfortable, yet in some ways she was feeling slightly lighter as well, unburdening her thoughts may be working she thought to herself wryly... or maybe it was just the wine; either way, Harry deserved an explanation and the truth. "It was a different kind of love, I didn't feel about George the same way as I felt about you."

Harry was struck dumb, whatever he had expected her to say, it wasn't this. He took a large mouthful of wine and willed her to continue.

"The hospital was a small one and the staff were in the main, pretty close. I decided to stay in Polis, because for the first time since I'd left London, I didn't feel lonely all the time and I actually started to feel like I could belong somewhere." Ruth smiled softly as memories of her friends at the hospital came back to her. "I used to go out for a drink after work with some of the other people I worked with and we'd occasionally be joined by various doctors and nurses depending on their shift patterns. George came along several times and we became good friends; he'd served in the Royal Medical Corps of the British army as a Commonwealth citizen and had been based in Birmingham for a number of years. I was desperate to talk to someone who knew England, who understood what it was like to live there and we stated spending more and more time together. Eventually he started asking me for drinks and dinner away from the others and I accepted; I'd lived to regret saying no once and was damned if I was going to have the same regrets a second time around."

"How long were you together?"

"About 15 months in total. I moved in with him after about 6 months, I'd got to know Nico well by that stage and I enjoyed both of their company."

Harry took a deep breath, it was hurting that she'd seemingly been able to jump into a relationship with George in a way she hadn't let herself with him, but he was glad of her honesty. "And Nico's mother?"

"She died when he was four. A car accident outside Coventry; George tried to stay with the army for a while longer, but he was hardly seeing Nico and the pull of his family and home got too much so he moved back to Polis."

"Which was why they both spoke such good English?"

Ruth smiled warmly, "Yes, they were both fluent in English and Greek, but tended to speak Englsh at home as that what Nico had grown up learning."

Harry sighed softly, he was getting an image in his head of what her life had been like. "And were you going to marry him?"

Ruth shook her head quickly. "No; I know I told you once that we had talked about it, but I misled you to hurt you, so you could hurt in the same way I was hurting." She squeezed his hand again. "I'm sorry, I really haven't been very fair to you."

Harry looked at her. "The past is the past Ruth," he said softly, "why wasn't marriage on the cards?"

"We were both happy with the way we were; we'd both lost someone close to us and had mourned that person and we both enjoyed our time together and liked our life together." She paused, "It was simple and easy."

"You said he lost his wife." Harry said quietly, focusing on what she had told him, "but you also mourned someone?"

"You Harry, I mourned you." Ruth looked him in the eye willing him to understand, "or rather I mourned what we could have had."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you had to lose what you had with George."

"It wasn't your fault Harry." She sat up in her chair, "I know I blamed you at first and said some rather horrible things to you, but once I was able to look at George's death objectively I stopped blaming you completely."

"And now, how do you feel now?" Harry pushed softly.

"Confused... and guilty, I don't blame you Harry... but I do blame me." She brought a hand to her mouth in an effort to disguise her trembling lips. "George never knew the real me, he knew Sarah Ruth Jenkins, who went by her second name, who had lost her partner to a short illness and couldn't cope staying in Britain with all the associated memories and as she had no other family, had decided to make a clean break and travel."

Harry took hold of her free hand and pulled her towards him gently, "It wasn't your fault either Ruth," her spoke gently but firmly, "what happened to George wasn't your fault, you can't spend the rest of your life blaming yourself."

Ruth pulled her hands free to forage around in her bag for the tissues that she knew were in there, quickly dabbing at her eyes as the tears that had been threatening for a while finally started to spill over. "But it is my fault Harry," she said quietly after getting her emotions under control a little, "If George hadn't met me, or if he'd known the truth about me, then he'd still be alive and Nico would still have a father."

"You can't think that way." Harry urged, "you can't live from if's and but's."

"But if it hadn't been for me then..."

"Ruth, listen to yourself." Harry grabbed her hands again, the wine sat in-between them, ignored for the first time in the whole conversation. "Think of how many lives you've saved over the years... hell, over the last few weeks. What you do makes a difference."

"But..."

"No but's Ruth." He implored her to listen, "What would have happened if George hadn't been killed, if he hadn't come over to London with you."

"What do you mean?"

Harry sat back in his chair quickly trying to get his thoughts in order, she was listening to him now which was good, but he knew that one wrong comment or word could set the whole thing back. "I mean, why did George come with you to London?"

"Because we were all in danger."

"No Ruth, you weren't." He continued on slowly. "You were in danger, Mani was after you as a way to break me, George and Nico were never in any immediate danger once you'd escaped from the house. You could have left them at the airport, dropped them off at a police station... anything really."

"And that still makes it my fault..."

"No, did you force George to come with you to London? When you realised what was happening, what did you tell him?"

"I... I" Ruth struggled to get hold of her thoughts.

"Think Ruth..."

"I picked him up on the way into Polis, he was going to go and get some wine for dinner that evening." Ruth cast her mind back; for the first time since George's death trying to look at it objectively.

"And then what happened?"

"I told him I was being chased, that some people from my past were trying to capture me and that I was in danger and it was likely they'd kill me if they got hold of me."

"And..."

"George told me to drive to the airport quickly while he booked three tickets over his phone... his cousin worked for an airline and he managed to get us on the first flight out."

"And did you tell him he had to come with you?"

"I... I... no." Ruth was suddenly living again that harrowing drive to the airport over the windy Cypriot hills, the constant checking of the mirror to see if they were being followed, and the relief that she had felt when she hadn't seen a car in her rear-view mirror. "I told him that he didn't have to come with me, that it would be safer for him and Nico if they stayed behind."

"And what did George say?"

Ruth sobbed suddenly, "he said we were a family and that whatever trouble I was in, we were in it together."

Harry let out a huge breath that he hadn't even realised he'd been holding. "George knew that coming to London was dangerous Ruth, he knew that you hadn't been honest with him about your past and yet he still chose to go to London with you."

"What do you mean he knew I'd been lying about my past."

"Think about it Ruth," Harry said gently, "thugs turning up at your house looking for you, you knowing exactly what to do when they did arrive... It hardly sounds like the average life that you'd described to him of your past in England."

"But he was so angry when we arrived."

"Of course he was, put yourself in his position, think how you'd have felt." Harry paused briefly, "think how many times you've been angry with me over the years for things that I've done, or things that I've kept from you or made you do. People get angry Ruth, they say things they don't mean, it doesn't mean that George didn't think he'd made the right decision coming to London with you, or he'd do differently if he'd had a second chance to make that decision."

"But..."

"Ruth, you told me George was an army man, why did he join up? Why did he move away from his home country to join an army that he had no real affiliation to?"

"Because he wanted the excitement, he wanted to feel like he was doing more with his life." Ruth cast her mind back to conversations she'd had with George when he was reminiscing about his life in the army, "he loved it. The sense of camaraderie, the sense that he was helping to make a difference."

"Given his background, once the anger had died down do you think George would have listened to you, would have understood why you hadn't been able to tell him any of this before?"

Ruth looked conflicted and her answer said as much, "Yes... no... Oh, I don't know."

Harry sat back slightly and took another mouthful of wine before continuing gently. "George knew he would be in some danger by coming with you, he knew he'd be putting Nico potentially in harms way, but he still chose to take the risk Ruth,"

"It wasn't his fault..." Ruth took a large sip of wine as tears threatened to fall again, "none of this was his fault."

"No it wasn't Ruth, it wasn't George's fault at all... just like it wasn't your fault. The only person who is to blame for any of this was Mani, without him, none of this would have happened."

"But I feel so guilty..." Ruth whispered. The tears had now started to fall down her face in earnest and she tried to brush them away with her hands.

"Oh Ruth," Harry stood up and moved round to the seat next to her pulling her into his arms. "It's not your fault Ruth," he murmured softly into her hair as she sobbed into his chest, "you shouldn't feel guilty, it's not your fault..."

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Home Truths Chapter Five

Well I think this is the penultimate chapter, but given I thought this would probably be a two chapter story initially, it has gone on a lot more than I thought it would. Thanks for reading this, I realise it has been very dialogue heavy but I hope it has been relatively straightforward to follow and understand in my attempt to unpick the mystery that was their relationship in s9. Hopefully they remain in character in this chapter and the stuff they say doesn't seem out of place. A big thank you once again to everyone who has reviewed, each and every one is appreciated.

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Ruth pulled away from Harry wiping her tears away with her hands as she tried to compose herself, "I'm sorry about that, I hadn't intended to cry all over you."

Harry smiled softly at her as he took out a clean handkerchief from his inside suit pocket and offered it to her, "here, take this. And you have absolutely nothing to apologise for," he added gently.

"Thank you." Ruth wiped her eyes and blew her nose quickly, she couldn't believe she had broken down like that, it had been like a dam had been breached and for a minute or two she'd been unable to control her emotions.

"Is this the first time?" Harry asked quietly.

"Sorry?"

"Is this the first time you've cried since George's death?"

Ruth shook her head mutely, "No, I cried when Jo was killed too..."

"Ah, yes... I'd momentarily forgotten." Harry looked aghast at what he'd just said, "sorry, I didn't mean that I'd forgotten, just that it had..."

Ruth interrupted him quietly, taking hold of one of his hands, "I know what you mean Harry," she said gently. "This is the first time since then that I've cried, and to be honest I feel like a weight has been lifted off me in some ways. I've been so wrapped up in myself that I seemed to be on an endless spiralling loop downwards and I needed something to break that." She squeezed his hand tenderly, "I'm not saying everything is suddenly fine, but now for the first time in a long time, I feel like there may be light at the end of the tunnel."

Harry smiled at her, "look, why don't you go and get yourself cleaned up in the bathroom and I'll go and sort out the bill. We can work out what to do next from there."

Ruth nodded before looking around her, the pub was empty and even the ever present barman seemed to have disappeared. "Did we miss last orders?" she asked with a wry smile.

Harry chuckled, "I don't think they bothered with the bell given that the place has been so quiet tonight and they probably thought we'd had enough to drink without offering us more. What do you want to do now... about us I mean?"

Ruth looked up at him, "about us?"

"No, not about us... but about talking about us... well you know what I mean..."

Ruth decided to save him from himself, "I do, I'll just go and wash my face and we can make a decision on where to go from there... location wise that is..."

Harry wandered over to the bar to settle the bill while Ruth headed to the bathroom, he was fearful that leaving this venue would make Ruth close up again and although the only places they could realistically go at this time of night were either his place, hers or the Grid, he didn't think any of them were suitable for the fine tightrope he and Ruth had suddenly found themselves on, although neither of them had said as much, he knew in many ways it was make or break time for them... though he had felt that a few times before and yet they still ended up gravitating back towards each other. After standing at the bar waiting to pay for a few moments, he decided to go in search of someone he could pay. 'It was just as well he was an honest sort of chap,' he thought to himself, it would have been far too easy to walk out had he had the inclination to do noises coming from another rom within the pub he decided to investigate...

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By the time Ruth came out of the bathroom with her face washed and the only evidence of her crying, her slightly bloodshot eyes, she was surprised to see Harry sat back down at the table they had been sharing earlier. The wine had disappeared and in its place was a pot of tea and 2 cups. "What's all this?" she asked moving to sit down.

Harry looked up, "I hope you don't mind, we still need to talk and I thought it'd be more conducive if we continued here, rather than breaking our momentum... so to speak." He added with a pleading look on his face.

Ruth looked quickly around the pub which appeared to be deserted, most of the main lights had bee switched off and it was instead lit by some of the wall lamps which gave it a more inclusive atmosphere. "It's closing time, how can we stay?" She checked her watch, "we should have been out of here about 5 minutes ago."

"It's not what you know it's who you know," Harry said mysteriously, tapping his nose at the same time. At her raised eyebrows he'd continued with a smile, "sorry, I went to pay the bill and after searching for someone to pay, I found three or four members of staff in the other bar at the back, having a couple of drinks and playing darts; they looked like they'd be there for quite a while so I asked if there was any chance we could stay and talk."

"And they just let you?" Ruth asked disbelievingly.

"Not exactly, lets just say that this pot of tea is quite possibly the most expensive pot of tea ever bought." Harry cast his mind back to the quick conversation he'd had with the barman who served him earlier; the offer he'd made to put £100 behind the bar for the staff playing darts, had made him a lot more amenable to Harry's request. " We're not drinking, so we're not breaking any laws and those guys won't be disturbing us."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you want to stay?"

Harry looked down at the table, not for the first time that evening he was weighing up his words and once again decided that honesty was once again the best policy. "Because Ruth," he started softly, "somehow we've managed to open up to each other more tonight than we ever have before. Being honest, neither of us is particularly emotionally forthright and I think if either of us had had any indication of the way the conversation tonight was going to head, then we'd have probably run a mile." He took hold of her hand again across the table, "I also don't want to break this, we seem to be getting somewhere and I fear that if we were to go somewhere else, or stop now and continue at a later date, then one of us, or more likely both of us would get cold feet and we'd end up talking about the weather or something equally inane and putting us back in a position not far away from what caused this conversation in the first place..." he grinned quickly trying to lighten his words, "and you've got me concerned about Beth and Dimitri's feelings now... I don't want them spending their tea breaks fretting when they could be out there catching terrorists!"

Ruth laughed softly at his poor attempt at a joke, she knew it was his way of trying to cope. She watched as he poured them both a cup of tea and then added just the right amount of milk for her without even asking, he'd obviously been paying close attention all these years. "Ok, but this isn't all about me Harry, I need to understand some things as well."

"Fire away..."

Taking a sip of her tea she mulled over what she wanted to understand and the best way for her to get there. "Why did you withdraw your resignation?"

Harry had been expecting her to ask about the proposal or why he'd decided to retire in the first place and this question surprised him. "I... um... I... " he took a deep breath, "there were a number of reasons really, what I said to you in my office was true, I was tired of feeling that I was covered in blood all the time and it just seems to be a constant battle..." he searched for a way to make her understand, "I don't know if you ever came across that game at the seaside when you were young, the one where you have a mallet and have to hit the thing as it pops out of the hole..."

"Whac-a-mole?" Ruth asked.

"That's the one, Graham used to love it, I must have spent a fortune at different stalls over the years," he smiled fondly remembering the joy on his son's face at the innocent pleasure the game had given him before darkening as he recalled their fractious relationship now, "well that's how I feel some days Ruth. That's what it seems my job consists of, getting rid of one issue and then another one immediately pops up to take its place... only instead of a buzzer going off if it's missed, in my case a bomb can go off."

Ruth squeezed his hand gently, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you felt like this."

"I tried to explain it to you," Harry looked her in the eye, "but you didn't seem to be willing to listen to what I was trying to tell you."

"I'm sorry..." she looked down at the table and murmured, "I seem to be saying that a lot to you this evening."

"Ruth, I didn't tell you to make you feel bad." he sighed softly, how was it that two grown adults who obviously cared desperately for each other, could misunderstand each other quite as much as they did. "I just want you to understand... me handing in my notice, why I did it, it's been something in my mind for some time now."

"And were they the only reasons?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did you just want to resign because you'd had enough or was there anything more to it?" Ruth pressed gently.

"I... I" Harry stumbled over his words not quite sure what she was trying to get at.

"Ok," she said gently, "let me put it another way, why did you withdraw your resignation? Did you realise how much the team... hell the country depend on you to lead from the fr..."

"It was you." Harry blurted out quickly. "The letter I'd written to Towers, it had been sat in my drawer at work for months, then when you said you couldn't see us having a life together it forced me to make a decision in my own mind and I handed it over."

"You said it was me that caused you to resign," Ruth looked puzzled, "But what changed your mind, from what you've just said I thought you meant it was me that that made you change your mind rather than forcing your hand?"

"It was both," Harry smiled up at her, "you accused me earlier of acting purely on my emotions... well handing in my notice was probably the one thing you were right about."

"So?" Ruth pushed him gently.

"I realised that if I resigned then it would mean that I'd fully given up on you... on us. And despite the difficult situation we were in, I realised that if I walked away, then there was a chance I'd never see you again..." Harry stared down at their hands which were wrapped around each other on the table top, "and I wasn't ready for that." He paused briefly, "I'm still not ready for that." he added in a whisper.

"Oh Harry," Ruth paused, not knowing quite what to say, running her thumb over his hand absentmindedly before asking a question that had been puzzling her ever since his ill timed proposal. "When you asked me to marry you, if I'd have said yes, what did you imagine our lives would look like?"

He looked up at her, a question mark in his eyes, "I don't know... I thought that was something we could have worked out together I suppose."

"I mean would we have carried on working on the grid as before or would we have both retired, or would one of us carried on working. Where would we have lived, my flat or your house? I'm just curious Harry."

"I don't know, I hadn't really thought that far ahead."

Ruth smiled sadly at him, "and that's exactly why I thought you made an emotional decision when you asked me to marry you."

"Now you've said that, I can see why you'd think that, but honestly Ruth wasn't the case... proposing to you wasn't something that came out of the blue, it's something I'd been thinking about for a while..."

Ruth took a sip of her now lukewarm tea and winced slightly as she did so, "how long exactly?"

Harry mirrored her actions and took a mouthful of his own drink wishing he'd had the foresight to have asked for it to be laced with whisky, he could do with some fortification right about now."A long time Ruth. I realised as soon as you walked into that room where Mani was holding us that my feelings for you hadn't changed. Obviously I wasn't thinking about marriage quite at that stage, but seeing you again was like being punched in the stomach."

Ruth tightened her hold on his hand, "go on," she encouraged, feeling instinctively that he still had stuff he needed to say.

"I know you asked me to let you go Ruth when we said goodbye, but I never really did. There wasn't ever anything conscious about it, I just knew when you walked back into that room that I hadn't moved on at all."

"Oh.."

Harry smiled softly at her, "Ruth, I didn't say that to make you feel guilty or that I expected you to feel the same way, it's just a statement of fact." He took another mouthful of his cold tea, "It's not as though I had spent three years moping around like some kind of lovesick puppy, I just didn't get the opportunity to move on from you."

"And how did you feel when you head about George?"

"Mixed, if I'm being honest, I was glad that you'd had someone there for you and I was as jealous as hell at the same time." Harry passed his hand that wasn't holding Ruth's over his eyes, "Ruth" he said tiredly, "I'd never expected to see you again, so I was as caught by surprise at these feelings as you were at suddenly being thrust back into this life again."

"Oh..." Ruth looked and felt slightly startled, she'd known this deep down, but she'd never expected him to admit it."

"You don't have to answer this Ruth if you don't want to," Harry pressed softly, he was feeling incredibly vulnerable after his recent admission and he was sure his need was written all over his face, "But how did you feel Ruth, when you saw me in that room?"

"God... I don't know, anger, guilt, fear, worry..." Ruth cast her mind back to that hellish day with some difficulty, but her earlier tears allowed her to see it a little more objectively," and I was happy; stupid as it sounds, a tiny part of me was happy that I'd got the chance to see you again. When Malcolm first told me you'd been taken I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my world." She glanced over at him, he was sitting with his head down not really looking at her, but focusing on the cups in front of them both instead. "I don't think it was something I was consciously thinking about, but the moment those thugs turned up at the house, subconsciously I was aware that we were going to meet again soon, and I was very happy about that."

"Thank you,' Harry rubbed his thumb over her hand again, "thank you for being honest with me."

"I think after everything we've been through that we both deserve the truth."

Harry nodded, "so is there anything else you want to know?" He glanced quickly at his watch, it was well past midnight and he was conscious that they both had an early start the following morning.

"Why marriage?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you ask me to marry you?" As he went to answer her, she continued." I didn't mean it quite like that," she shook her head at herself, " after all the talking we've done tonight I realise that you asked with the best intentions and my response to you was cruel." She smiled at him, "Why didn't you just ask me out to dinner first?"

"I don't know..." he sighed, "I know that would have been the sensible thing to do, but stupid as it sounds, I felt that we'd already tried dinner and it hadn't worked."

Ruth chuckled at this, "Harry, that was over three years ago, and I can't tell you how many times I've berated myself for not saying yes to a second dinner... and more."

"And do you ever berate yourself for saying no to marriage?" Harry asked softly.

"Of course I have," Ruth answered slowly, "but I still think it was the right decision at that time."

"Oh" Harry moved to pull his hand away from hers, but she held it tightly.

"No Harry, we're not doing this again." She raised her voice slightly, "And I didn't mean that in the way you think I did." She willed him to listen and hoped that she would be able to explain herself in a way he would understand. "When I told you that there was a thousand times I'd have said yes and that we'd forfeited our chance at that type of life, I wasn't really thinking of you Harry I was thinking of me, why should I be happy after what I'd been responsible for."

Her words had stung him, but he had heard enough from her tonight to give him hope again. "But that wasn't your fault."

"I know that now, but a marriage with you, with all that simmering under the surface would have been impossible," she spoke quietly but surely, "it would have been unfair to you... and to us."

"But you've told me that you love me... and you must know how I feel about you."

Ruth smiled shyly at him, "I think I do... but you've never actually told me."

"Of course I have... Haven't I?"

Ruth shook her head, "It doesn't matter Harry, the words aren't important."

"Well I do love you Ruth, I have for a long time, I just need you to know that..." he looked her in the eye and squeezed her hand tightly, "no matter what happens between us now."

"I know, and just in case there's any doubt in your mind, I love you too."

Harry sat back in his chair, for the first time really believing that they were going to find a way through all his hurt, pain and anger and actually come out the other side together. "So, where to from here?

"Well most people go through a process Harry, take things in stages."

"And?"

"I need time Harry," she said, hoping he'd understand, "I've still got a lot to work through, all this guilt and anger I've been carrying around with me for the past year isn't going to disappear overnight, but I would like for us to start to forge a closer relationship, both personal and professional." She smiled tentatively at him, "maybe we could start by going out for dinner together, or to the cinema or something. Do some normal stuff that lets us get to know each other out of work, lets us get back to the people we were before and lets us enjoy each others company."

Harry smiled broadly, "so this isn't the end for us?"

Ruth shook her head, "I really hope not, I'm sure there's still a lot we need to talk about and things are going to crop up all the time... but I promise I'll try Harry, if you will too?"

"Of course, and work?"

"We keep them as separate as possible, it's different from last time and I'm not scared about others knowing about us, but I really do want to keep our personal lives off the Grid as much as possible. It's something we've both been guilty of recently and we've seen how it has impacted the team and it's not far on them, if it does start to impact work then we need to sit down together and sort something out." Harry nodded at her slowly, agreeing with what she was saying. "Until recently we've always worked well together, there's no reason we shouldn't go back to that; hopefully our personal relationship will help strengthen our professional one, rather than the other way round." She looked at him, knowing and understanding in part where some of his anger frustration with her had come from, "and I promise not to challenge your authority on the Grid."

Harry sighed, "Ruth I need you to challenge me, but we need to do it behind closed doors." he took hold of her other hand so that he was now holding them both across the table, "although I'm still your boss, it feels in many ways like you're a peer and I trust your judgement on issues. I'm well aware that that's partly because of our personal history, but I need to have that authority with other members of the team and they can't see me being questioned all the time, it undoes my authority in their eyes."

Ruth nodded, slowly, "so is this it... are we really going to try and do this?"

Harry smiled his first full genuine smile of the evening, "I hope so Ruth, I really do."

TBC

A/N: I hope it wasn't too soppy a read, I wanted to try and give them some kind of resolution and for them to be open but not overly gushy with each other.


	6. Chapter 6

Well this is the final chapter/epilogue. I hadn't expected it to be anywhere near this long (it's at least 10,000 words longer than I expected) but I've thoroughly enjoyed writing it and trying to make some sense out of their relationship in s9. I thought this was as good a place as any to leave them, as otherwise I would have been writing about them forever and that was never the intention for this story. Thanks to everyone who has read this and particularly to those who have reviewed - it is much appreciated. Until next time...

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Ruth arched her back, stretching her arms out as she moved her eyes away from the screen. She had spent the last three hours meticulously going over a report the Home Office had sent through and needed a break as the words were starting to swim in front of her eyes. She stood up and looked over into Harry's office, he was pacing behind his desk on the phone to someone and he didn't look overly happy. As she caught his eye, she mimicked drinking to him and he nodded back at her, a small smile playing about his lips before he turned his attention back to whichever poor soul he was in the process of giving a tongue-lashing too.

She picked up her mug and wandered over to the kitchen to make them both a hot drink. It was mid afternoon on the Grid and there were only a few people about. Lucas was hunched over at his desk looking for all the world like he was writing up a report, but who knew. After their conversation about him the other day, Harry had read him the riot act, letting him know that he wasn't performing to the previous standards set by other Section Chiefs, while at the same time, not letting him know that he had suspicions that things were possibly more serious than performance issues. He had bucked up slightly since then, but Ruth still had strong misgivings about what was going on underneath the surface with him. She still desperately hoped her suspicions were wrong and that Lucas was just going through some bad patch in his personal life that was spilling into his work; after all, she more than anyone, knew exactly how that could happen. She also knew Harry was equally concerned about him and that he still felt guilty about Lucas' extended stay in Russia courtesy of the FSB. Ruth knew he would move heaven and earth to try and save Lucas if indeed it turned out he had got himself into some trouble, she just hoped it wouldn't come to that.

Lost in her thoughts, she was brought up on her way to the kitchen by Beth's cheerful voice echoing out of the door"So did you slip happy pills into his morning coffee this morning Levendis?"

Ruth groaned to herself, she really needed to have a quiet word with all the staff, and make them realise that the kitchen wasn't the soundproof room they all seemed to think it was, judging by the conversations she kept stumbling across.

A deep laugh floated out, followed by "No, Why?'

"He called me into his office this morning, I thought I was going to be given a bollocking following that incident last night with the car, but all he said was, that he'd rather the car had a prang rather than me and that he thought it worthwhile sending me on an that advanced driving course the police hold every couple of months."

"Shit, that's great news. I've been angling to do that course ever since I came across from the SBS," another chuckle came out, "maybe I should try mounting a 'small kerb' as well and knocking off the bumper, see if he's as generous with me."

"You cheeky bugger..." Beth's voice came through strong, "you know very well that I was driving at night without the lights on, how the hell was I supposed to realise that some idiot thought it would be a good idea to put those bollard things across the road."

"He does seem to be more cheerful at the moment though. Back to how he was when I first joined"

"I can't speak to that" Beth chuckled again, "he's been a grumpy bastard ever since I've arrived," there was a pause where the sound of water splashing into mugs could be heard, " having said that, I came in early a couple of days ago and I swear I heard him whistling as he crossed the Grid and he did shout us all coffees for the morning meeting yesterday."

"Do you think he and Ruth have kissed and made up?" Dimitri asked, "Or at least got over whatever it was that was causing them to constantly have a go at each other; they were virtually finishing off each others sentences in that briefing on Omid Diswani the other day."

Ruth felt a faint blush steal up to her face, as well as a sense of deja-vu, as she again paused in the same position she had been in the other day while listening to the same people conversing about her, Harry and Lucas. Being the topic of conversation between colleagues still wasn't something she relished and she couldn't believe how close to the mark Dimitri was in his comment. Since their conversation the other night, she and Harry had started to make an effort with each other and she was surprised at just how natural and easy it was to spend time with each other now that they had banished some of the ghosts from their past.

After leaving The Cricketers the other night, just before one in the morning, Harry had hailed a taxi for them both to share, preferring this time to keep his private life as far away from work as possible and choosing the anonymity of a taxi driver rather than the scrutiny of his Driver. They had been quiet on the journey over to her place having talked themselves out over the course of the evening, choosing instead to enjoy the feeling of peace between them together. Although they had sat at opposite sides of the back seat, Ruth had rested her hand on the spare seat between them and Harry had moved to rest his hand next to hers, so their fingers were touching but not holding but still offering comfort. She smiled to herself at the memory; when they had arrived at her flat Harry had insisted on walking her to the door to make sure she got in safely and despite some nerves, he'd obviously plucked up a little courage, leaving her with a 'good night Ruth' and a soft kiss that had fallen somewhere between her cheek and her lips.

Her thoughts were disturbed by Beth's deep throaty laugh, "I don't know about kissing and making up. She's hardly been home the last few nights."

"Well maybe that's why, maybe she and Harry have been..."

Deciding that the idiom of 'eavesdroppers never hearing good of themselves' was true and that she really didn't want to hear speculation from Dimitri about what she and Harry had potentially been up to over the last few evenings, Ruth cleared her throat loudly and made her way into the kitchen noticing, but choosing to ignore, the quick glance between Dimitri and Beth and the slight look of horror on their faces. She busied herself making a couple of mugs of tea and after initial chitchat, Beth and Dimitri had quickly made their excuses to leave and made their way back to their respective desks, wondering just how much, if anything, she'd overheard.

Ruth let herself into Harry's office just as he was hanging up on a call. "That was Malcolm," he said as a greeting, "he wants to catch up tonight, says he has some information for me."

"I hope that wasn't him you were berating earlier on the phone?" Ruth chided him playfully as she gave him his tea and sat down opposite him.

"What... no." Harry recalled the conversation he'd been having when she'd signalled to him from her desk to see if he wanted a drink."That was some idiot from Six who seemed to be under the impression that I was working for him and not the other way round. He smiled openly, "I hung up on him when Malcolm called."

Ruth laughed softly, "did he say what he had found?"

"No, he didn't want to say anything over the phone. He just said that the bugs and taps he'd put in place the other night had yielded some interesting results."

"So where are you meeting him?" Although Malcolm had had to come onto the Grid the other evening, they all believed that he should try and stay away as much as possible going forward, to avoid provoking any suspicions or chatter amongst the team should he be spotted.

"I said I'd pop round to his house about six-ish this evening." Harry looked over at her as he had a sip of his tea. "Would you like to come along as well?"

Ruth nodded. "That would be good... as long as you're ok with it?"

Harry smiled, "I wouldn't have mentioned it to you if I wasn't." He suddenly looked a little nervous, "I was thinking that afterwards, if we finish early enough, we could go out for dinner?"

Ruth nodded again, before taking a sip of her tea, "that would be nice, I enjoyed dinner with you and Malcolm the other night." After explaining to Malcolm what they had needed from him, he had taken a couple of hours to get everything set up and adjusted so that Tariq, unless he did the deepest sweep of the systems, wouldn't detect any of the monitoring devices in his standard daily sweep. Afterwards she, Harry and Malcolm had gone out for an Indian, catching up on each others lives and reminiscing about friends and colleagues who were no longer with them. It had been an enjoyable evening and all three of them had promised that they should try and do it again soon.

"I was actually thinking, just the two of us... if you'd like to of course?" Harry looked unsure of himself all of a sudden, hoping against hope that he wasn't pushing her too fast. Since their alcohol fuelled chat, as well as the dinner with Malcolm, they'd managed to grab a quick lunch together on one occasion and had shared a couple of chats on the roof of Thames House. He'd been a little worried the day after their drink, that Ruth would revert to form and having spent the night thinking about things, would have panicked again and run; but she had surprised him and had obviously sensed his worry, coming into his office first thing the next morning, looking tired and more than a little hung-over, but smiling at him and offering to make him a cup of coffee, before hesitantly adding that she was very glad that they'd had their chat last night. This dinner invitation was Harry's first opportunity since then, to take them to the next stage and he hoped his suggestion would be well received.

He needn't have worried. "That would be very nice." She beamed at him, her smile lighting up her face in way he hadn't seen very often since her return from exile.

Harry nodded, "that's great...wonderful in fact." he met her eyes and smiled, "I'll book somewhere for around 8?"

"Lovely." She smiled at him again before standing up as his phone started to ring again, no doubt the Agent from Six whom he'd recently hung up on. "I'll leave you to it. I'll meet you by the pods about 5.30 to head over to Malcolm's?"

Harry nodded and smiled as he picked his phone before putting his hand over the receiver so whoever was at the other end couldn't hear him, "I'll look forward to this evening Ruth."

She touched his hand briefly, letting her fingers slowly move over his as she headed back out to the main area of the Grid, "so will I, " she said softly, before leaving him alone in his office. As she settled back down at her desk, she smiled to herself, for the first time in a long time she was suddenly looking forward to the future and what it might bring.

The End


End file.
